Over the past week I have been considering God's grace in my life. The reality of growing up in the Pentecostal church meant that I didn't hear much about grace. Thus, I didn't understand what it really entailed. I understood that Jesus loves me. I understood that I was born under the curse of sin and death. I understood that God loved me so much that He sent His only son as a sacrifice so that I may be in relationship with Him. Grace, as I understood it... well that was for the Southern Baptists. At that time in my life I had no understanding of all the various denominations and sects of Christianity. The only theologians I knew, and I use that term loosely, were those televangelists for which people in our church held in high regard. Grace was the term people used to excuse their sin and stave off guilt and shame. It was not for us Spirit filled believers. No, we were beat down and told that one wrong thought or action would cause us to live an eternity in Hell should we not repent right away. It was the projection of an angry God of the Old Testament pointing His finger and sending you to your room with no dinner. Whether or not he spoke with you again was determined by your willingness to seek Him first.
Now before I go further, I want to say that I am thankful for my Pentecostal heritage. Throughout my life I was exposed to many spiritual paths from Christianity, Paganism, New Age/Thought, and Spiritualism to name a few. It was my Grandfather and Grandmother Legate that made sure I went to church on Sunday morning and various nights throughout the week. They instilled in me a love for God and His Spirit. Pentecostals are vibrant people full of faith that love God with their whole heart. I wouldn't change sitting on the second row piano side at Word of Life Tabernacle for anything. It impacted me to be the person I am today.
Now after Bible college, nursing school, and two master's degrees I can say that I have messed up enough to understand God's grace. I have read the works of true theologians from the beginning of Christianity through the past several centuries. I am currently reading the Works of Jonathon Edwards. He is an American theologian rooted in Reformed theology. It is his work that causes me to ponder both the grace and the glory of God tonight. In fact, His glory and grace are deep realities that cannot be seperated. It is the grace of God that strengthens God's glory. It is the nature of glory to bring good things out of bad, and transformation out of tragedy.
As I have shared bits of my story in this blog, in church services, men's conferences, seminaries, prisons, on radio, and with individuals the truth for me is this... God's grace is far reaching and goes into places of darkness where no other could ever go. The answer to guilt and shame... grace. Why? Because God's grace triumphs, trasnforms, and brings healing that ultimately causes His glory to shine bright. Where there is brightness there is light, and when there is light darkness flees.
Two truths I know... God loves you/me, and His grace is far reaching. That my friends is truth regardless of you sitting in a pew, or running from Him.
Check out these books:
The Works of Jonathan Edwards
http://www.amazon.com/works-Jonathan-Edwards-Tryon/dp/1174972300
Reflections On The Psalms by C.S. Lewis
http://www.amazon.com/Reflections-Psalms-Harvest-Book-Lewis/dp/015676248X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358045381&sr=1-1&keywords=reflections+on+the+psalms
The Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis
http://www.amazon.com/Weight-Glory-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060653205/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358045451&sr=1-1&keywords=the+weight+of+glory
Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
http://www.amazon.com/Mere-Christianity-Gift-C-Lewis/dp/0061350214/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358045516&sr=1-1&keywords=mere+christianity
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Philia - Friendship as a Practice
I experienced my first Made To Be More Group this past Monday evening. The start of a journey with 6 other men that I have never met before. The goal for me in this group is to be known, intimately known, and to intimately know these men. For those of you that know me, you know that this is a challenge for me. It is much easier for me to accept unconditionally the story of another, and walk with them through their journey of health and healing. Not so easy for me to accept men walking alongside of me in the process of friendship, health and healing. Monday evening we discussed styles of relating, and the tension between self-protection and God's call to spiritual friendship. As a victim of child sexual abuse, this is a particular challenge for me. I am always in the mode of self protection when it comes to relationships. As I have grown and matured, I have been able to mask that more than when I was younger. I have also been able to open myself up and let a few people into my life.
It has been almost 6 years since I connected with a group of men on Thursday evenings. We have met almost weekly since April of 2007. At that time I joined a group of men with similar, yet very different stories. They have cared for me, and I for them, through good and bad; we have celebrated life together. I have trusted them, and they have trusted me. It is because of them I started to experience philia, or brotherly love. I allowed myself to be intimately and spiritually known by these men, and they have allowed the same of me toward them. These men are my brothers. My life is better for knowing them.
Over the past couple of months I have learned that one of my friends will most likely be moving with his family to Haiti sometime this year. Another announced this week that he will be moving to North Carolina. I am excited for both of these men, and I look forward to sharing and being part of their stories for years to come. My brothers that remain here will be sad for them to go, but we will rejoice for them in their future endeavors. What I have learned about philia love is that it is not some thing that can be easily separated. You see philia is a love that is chosen. It is something that doesn't just happen. It is work and requires practice. It is a practice for which I have not always been good, because to practice friendship means that you have to be real and vulnerable with others. To be a friend, and be friended, one must let down the wall of self-protection, trust others, and put yourself at risk to be hurt.
Finally, some that are reading this may be wondering what the difference is with the new group that I am attending. Well, it's structured differently, more of a class with targeted learning, goals and time limits. When I became a part of my band of brothers, I knew the similarities in our stories being brought to the table. I do not know what if any, similarities, that I share with the men in the Made To Be More Group. This, if I allow it, brings a sense of shame that can hamper the potential relationships within the new group. It causes anxiety, apprehension, and feelings of ambivalence. My ability to stay focused and build relationships with these men will be determined by my ability to prevail over guilt, shame and ultimately ambivalence. Why? Because friendships is the most deliberate of relationships, and it takes work.
It has been almost 6 years since I connected with a group of men on Thursday evenings. We have met almost weekly since April of 2007. At that time I joined a group of men with similar, yet very different stories. They have cared for me, and I for them, through good and bad; we have celebrated life together. I have trusted them, and they have trusted me. It is because of them I started to experience philia, or brotherly love. I allowed myself to be intimately and spiritually known by these men, and they have allowed the same of me toward them. These men are my brothers. My life is better for knowing them.
Over the past couple of months I have learned that one of my friends will most likely be moving with his family to Haiti sometime this year. Another announced this week that he will be moving to North Carolina. I am excited for both of these men, and I look forward to sharing and being part of their stories for years to come. My brothers that remain here will be sad for them to go, but we will rejoice for them in their future endeavors. What I have learned about philia love is that it is not some thing that can be easily separated. You see philia is a love that is chosen. It is something that doesn't just happen. It is work and requires practice. It is a practice for which I have not always been good, because to practice friendship means that you have to be real and vulnerable with others. To be a friend, and be friended, one must let down the wall of self-protection, trust others, and put yourself at risk to be hurt.
Finally, some that are reading this may be wondering what the difference is with the new group that I am attending. Well, it's structured differently, more of a class with targeted learning, goals and time limits. When I became a part of my band of brothers, I knew the similarities in our stories being brought to the table. I do not know what if any, similarities, that I share with the men in the Made To Be More Group. This, if I allow it, brings a sense of shame that can hamper the potential relationships within the new group. It causes anxiety, apprehension, and feelings of ambivalence. My ability to stay focused and build relationships with these men will be determined by my ability to prevail over guilt, shame and ultimately ambivalence. Why? Because friendships is the most deliberate of relationships, and it takes work.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
New Year... Same challenges, but treated different.
It is January 5, 2013, and I am wondering where time has gone. A friend of mine posted a picture from Back to the Future showing that yesterday, January 4, 2013 was the day Marty McFly arrived in the future. When that movie came out in 1985, I was 12 years old. I remember thinking that 2013 seemed like forever, and that I may not ever see it. After all in the world of the Pentecostal and Charismatic movement, Jesus was prophesied to return almost every year. Back then I was adamant that it would have happened by now. The reality is I wonder if it will ever happen at all. Don't judge, this is my blog... If your not interested in my thoughts, don't read it. :)
I contemplate my life at the start of each new year. While this is common for many of us here in the United States, I often wonder if that is just because of our position in life. Are adults in Haiti thinking about their past and how it has shaped their future? Or are they merely focused on survival from one day to the next? My guess is that they are not sitting in a climate controlled environment with tons of food, running water and a computer thinking about the good, bad, and in between of their life because it is now 2013.
Resolutions... I do not make them. I do however set goals that will help me improve both my life and those people that share my life. The primary goal for me this year is to be present and aware of the here and now. Not to forget about the past, and not to focus solely on the future... I want to be present in everyday life. I have already failed in the first few days of 2013. I have been in conversations where I have been distracted; my attention not focused on the person with whom I was speaking. Today during my daughter's basketball game, I was distracted by my phone when I should have been watching her. There are many of us that do not fully understand how to be mindful and present. One thing I know for sure is that most successful people are better at this than most, and I know that I am capable. If someone is important, I have no problem giving them my undivided attention. My boss, a physician, a patient or their family in the hospital... I have the ability to give them my undivided attention. So if I truly value you as a person, should I not be able to do the same for you? What about valuing me as a person? I should be able to be aware of the present/here and now when I am alone. I'm not talking about some religious experience, I am talking about being mindful of my surroundings, emotions, thoughts, needs, desires, wants, etc. Examples of this include any daily activity that can be set to autopilot and done. For instance, driving to work or anywhere that is routine. How often do you arrive at your destination without knowing what went on during the journey? Try to focus on the sights, sounds, smells etc. of your environment. One thing I did recently is drove home from work with the windows down and the sun roof open. It was about 51 degrees, and a little nippy out, but it changed the routine. I focused on more than just getting from point A to point B.
The past is important, and I have a lot to learn from it. It should not however, be controlling of my present. I have lived that way too often. This Monday, I am doing something to help me move away from the past. I am apprehensive about doing this, but I am going to participate in a group Wounded Heart group. This is a group for adult victims of childhood sexual abuse. This is an issues I have dealt with for years. Lots of therapy, reading more books than I care to name, and ultimately healing slowly. Wounded Heart is a book by Dr Dan Allender. To date, I have been unable to read the book by myself, but over the next 29 weeks I will walk through this book with several other men that have lived similar circumstances. The group of course is confidential, but I will be sharing some of my thoughts about the book and information that is covered here in my blog. How it impacts me etc.
Interestingly, I have shared my story more than I care to mention. I have spoke groups of 10 to numbers in the thousands. In fact, I am sure there are audio recordings of my story out there someplace on the world wide web. The challenge is I have not always been present during the sharing of my story. It have been done on autopilot, often not sharing the emotion or reality of the subject. Over the next 29 weeks I plan on being present in my story. I am not sure how that will look, feel, or what it will accomplish, but I know it will move me forward. Ultimately, I hope I can help the others in my group be present and aware during the sharing of their story.
I contemplate my life at the start of each new year. While this is common for many of us here in the United States, I often wonder if that is just because of our position in life. Are adults in Haiti thinking about their past and how it has shaped their future? Or are they merely focused on survival from one day to the next? My guess is that they are not sitting in a climate controlled environment with tons of food, running water and a computer thinking about the good, bad, and in between of their life because it is now 2013.
Resolutions... I do not make them. I do however set goals that will help me improve both my life and those people that share my life. The primary goal for me this year is to be present and aware of the here and now. Not to forget about the past, and not to focus solely on the future... I want to be present in everyday life. I have already failed in the first few days of 2013. I have been in conversations where I have been distracted; my attention not focused on the person with whom I was speaking. Today during my daughter's basketball game, I was distracted by my phone when I should have been watching her. There are many of us that do not fully understand how to be mindful and present. One thing I know for sure is that most successful people are better at this than most, and I know that I am capable. If someone is important, I have no problem giving them my undivided attention. My boss, a physician, a patient or their family in the hospital... I have the ability to give them my undivided attention. So if I truly value you as a person, should I not be able to do the same for you? What about valuing me as a person? I should be able to be aware of the present/here and now when I am alone. I'm not talking about some religious experience, I am talking about being mindful of my surroundings, emotions, thoughts, needs, desires, wants, etc. Examples of this include any daily activity that can be set to autopilot and done. For instance, driving to work or anywhere that is routine. How often do you arrive at your destination without knowing what went on during the journey? Try to focus on the sights, sounds, smells etc. of your environment. One thing I did recently is drove home from work with the windows down and the sun roof open. It was about 51 degrees, and a little nippy out, but it changed the routine. I focused on more than just getting from point A to point B.
The past is important, and I have a lot to learn from it. It should not however, be controlling of my present. I have lived that way too often. This Monday, I am doing something to help me move away from the past. I am apprehensive about doing this, but I am going to participate in a group Wounded Heart group. This is a group for adult victims of childhood sexual abuse. This is an issues I have dealt with for years. Lots of therapy, reading more books than I care to name, and ultimately healing slowly. Wounded Heart is a book by Dr Dan Allender. To date, I have been unable to read the book by myself, but over the next 29 weeks I will walk through this book with several other men that have lived similar circumstances. The group of course is confidential, but I will be sharing some of my thoughts about the book and information that is covered here in my blog. How it impacts me etc.
Interestingly, I have shared my story more than I care to mention. I have spoke groups of 10 to numbers in the thousands. In fact, I am sure there are audio recordings of my story out there someplace on the world wide web. The challenge is I have not always been present during the sharing of my story. It have been done on autopilot, often not sharing the emotion or reality of the subject. Over the next 29 weeks I plan on being present in my story. I am not sure how that will look, feel, or what it will accomplish, but I know it will move me forward. Ultimately, I hope I can help the others in my group be present and aware during the sharing of their story.
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