There is no innovation and creativity without failure.

Last week I heard Brene Brown say on Super Soul Sunday, "Unused creativity is not benign, it metastasizes into grief, rage, judgement, sorrow, and shame." That statement hit me right between the eyes. I felt like I was in an old cartoon lying on the ground with literal stars swirling around my head. In context she was speaking about her research, and that people who live wholeheartedly do creativity. For some of us that creativity is expressed in our job, for others in our family, or in the arts or hobbies of some sort. For my I relate to those feelings and emotions when I am not creative. When I am not doing something meaningful and on purpose.

What is Creativity?
/ˌkrieɪˈtɪvɪti, ˌkriə-/ Show S

1. The state or quality of being creative.

2. The ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, patterns, relationships, or the like, and to create meaningful new ideas, forms, methods, interpretations, etc.; originality, progressiveness, or imagination: the need for creativity in modern industry; creativity in the performing arts. 

3. The process by which one utilizes creative ability: Extensive reading stimulated his creativity.

 

For me creativity use to be acting or singing. It was leading worship in church, running youth groups, or teaching/preaching. It was caring for a patient at the bedside and doing impromptu work a rounds that provided the care the patient needed when there was no traditional way to meet the true needs of the patient. It was about sharing my gifts and talents for a higher purpose, knowing that what I was doing was meaningful to the world, or at least to someones world. It has been quite some time since I have have performed (sing/act), lectured/taught, preached or shared my story with a group. Each day I struggle with the thought that my time, talents and treasure are not being used in the most meaningful/purposeful way. Each day I have a strong desire to be consciously aware that I am bringing everything I've got to the table.

 

It is hard to feel creative in my current role as Director of Case Management. Maybe you just read that and wonder why I would need to be creative in that role... Case Management impacts every area of a health system. While I would love to say that we are the most important people there... :), the reality is we are one instrument in an orchestra. If we are off beat, flat, or miss our que for entrance in the piece, the whole concert goes bad. It is easy to get tied up in the mundane of the daily grind, to feel like your not having a positive impact on the purposes and goals of the organization. I know many of you reading this feel the same way about your job whatever that may be. Intillectually you know that you are fulfilling a purpose and are important to the goals of your organziation, but you just have not tapped into all of your gifts and talents to unleash your true creativity. And think about that... what if you went beyond what your doing now? What if you tapped into your true resources, gifts and talents to promote the common good of your company? "The only unique contributions that we will make in this world will be born of our creativity (Brown, 2010)."

 

On ward and up ward as I commit myself to living life wholeheartedly, and to give my full creative efforts to impact the world around me... my family and friends, employer and employees, and the customers that we serve every day.

 

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection.Center City, Minnesota: Hazelden.

 

 

Hi, My name is Bill, and I am perfectionist

Psychology Today describes a perfectionist's life as being an endless report card on accomplishments or looks. Brene Brown says, "Perfectionism is not about healthy striving, or striving for excellence. It is a cognitive behavioral process, a way of thinking and feeling. If I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect, live perfect... I can avoid or minimize shame, blame, and judgement." Perfectionism is the ultimate fear that the world will see you for who you are, and you won't measure up. Perfectionism protects us from being seen.

“I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God's business.”  ― Michael J. Fox

I use to take a great and deep pleasure in being a perfectionist. I laugh now at the times I used that as my biggest strength and worst weakness in a job interview. Let's face it, doing things perfectly is not all bad. But expecting perfection in a broken world sets up high and unobtainable goals. For years I exceeded all expectations. I worked full time, attended school, maintained a 4.0 grade point average, etc. and so on. It was in nursing school when I first allowed myself to experience failure. I was working full-time on the weekend (11pm to 7am Thursday night, and 3pm to 7am on Friday and Saturday nights), and going to school full time Monday through Thursday 8am to 4pm. During my final year of nursing school, I failed my first course... I got a B in my OB-GYN course. I know a B is not failure, but it was to me. I couldn't believe that I allowed myself to fail so miserably. What happened to me because of this failure? I graduated with honors and became a nurse. I learned a valuable lesson from this... I am human, and humans are not perfect. Perfection is what I strived for because I didn't want to be vulnerable and allow people to the real me. Would people like the imperfect Bill? How could I ever maintain position in life if I have the capability to fail? It was at that moment when I realized that great things are accomplished out of failure.

Earlier I said that I am a recovering perfectionist. What does that mean? I strive for perfection, but know that it will never happen. I struggle with it everyday. What happens when I let someone down? What happens if I don't meet goals for projects or measurable outcomes at work? What if I let down a friend or family member? I could go on and on... Brene Brown says there is no innovation and creativity without failure. I know this to be true. While all will not understand, I am willing to try and fail versus not try at all. It is out of failure that I learn, grown and become who I am meant to be.

Once you accept the fact that you're not perfect, then you develop some confidence. ~Rosalynn Carter

Books by Brene Brown:

Daring Greatly

The Gifts of Imperfection

I Thought It Was Just Me

Can you bare the burden of my story?

It has been quite a while since I have posted a blog... I would like to lie and tell you that is because work has been busy. That would actually be true, but not the reason for not writing. I have a great ability to allow my excuses to be my limitations when it comes to self care. Since January, I have been on a new journey of self exploration, and that is taking me through some very difficult and deep places. I have been dealing with my junk since I was a teenager. I believe my first visit to a therapist was at the age of 15, at the time it was the thing to do. Since that time I have participated in therapy, hypnosis, prayer and deliverance ministries both as an employed minister and as a lay person seeking help for a tumultuous past. I was not expecting Pandora's Box to open, after all... I have dealt with this junk before.

 

 

One thing I have done well is share my story. I have done this with groups of few, and groups of thousands around the country. I have not done a good job at sharing with those around me. In part because of dealing with shame and vulnerability. I have dealt with the subject of shame for a long time, but it has been in my face since January. I have not been myself, but have been wearing what I call the Sunday mask. That's the game face you put on everyday so people believe your doing good. I have become a master at it most days. After all, I have a job to do and tasks to accomplish. Of course I need each of the things I do to be perfect in every way, but perfectionism is a topic I will cover in the next post...

 

Shame is one of the most primitive emotions that a person can experience. It is an intensely painful feeling that one is not worthy of love or belonging. As a victim of child sexual abuse, the physical/sexual acts are horrible, but the real issue that screws up the victim is shame. The thoughts, feelings and emotions that are part of shame thrive in secrecy, silence and judgement. When it sits in your head, it remains so much worse that it really is. As Brene Brown says, "It grows exponentially." She goes on to say that shame cannot survive in the presence of empathy. How a person deals with shame is dependent on him/her buying into the idea that they are alone and unable to share it with others. The challenge, who to share it with? Who can you trust with your story? It is far easier to share it with a group of strangers that you may or may not see again. The questions... who has earned the right to hear your story? Who can be trust on a personal level? And, who can bare the burden/weight of the story? Personally, it may not be that I dom't trust you with the story, but I don't feel that I can add that to your plate. Although this can become a symptom of shame when someone doesn't want to share their story because they know that you have your own issue. In a group setting this can lead to rank order or comparative suffering. I don't want to share my story of abuse because, man #1 has a son going through addiction, or woman #2 is going through a divorce from an abusive man... etc. If someone chooses to share their story with you, know that the shame is real. Bare the burden by empathizing, keeping it real and support the person by walking through it with them to the best of your ability. If you're not able to do that, let them know by being real and honest. Show you care by saying that you don't know how to respond. It is OK...

 

I am fortunate that I have some good guys that walk through the deep of this with me, and I with them. So tomorrow I will put on my Sunday mask and prepare to walk through another week. Why? Because I have a job to do, family and friends to attend to, and I am not at a place where I can walk leaning fully into vulnerability. I will get there. If your in the same boat you will get there too. Don't let shame hamper your life... Live life to the fullest and to the best of your ability every day.  

 

Check out Brene Brown's website.  

 

God's Grace Reaches Farther Than The Pew

Over the past week I have been considering God's grace in my life. The reality of growing up in the Pentecostal church meant that I didn't hear much about grace. Thus, I didn't understand what it really entailed. I understood that Jesus loves me. I understood that I was born under the curse of sin and death. I understood that God loved me so much that He sent His only son as a sacrifice so that I may be in relationship with Him. Grace, as I understood it... well that was for the Southern Baptists. At that time in my life I had no understanding of all the various denominations and sects of Christianity. The only theologians I knew, and I use that term loosely, were those televangelists for which people in our church held in high regard. Grace was the term people used to excuse their sin and stave off guilt and shame. It was not for us Spirit filled believers. No, we were beat down and told that one wrong thought or action would cause us to live an eternity in Hell should we not repent right away. It was the projection of  an angry God of the Old Testament pointing His finger and sending you to your room with no dinner. Whether or not he spoke with you again was determined by your willingness to seek Him first.

Now before I go further, I want to say that I am thankful for my Pentecostal heritage. Throughout my life I was exposed to many spiritual paths from Christianity, Paganism, New Age/Thought, and Spiritualism to name a few. It was my Grandfather and Grandmother Legate that made sure I went to church on Sunday morning and various nights throughout the week. They instilled in me a love for God and His Spirit. Pentecostals are vibrant people full of faith that love God with their whole heart. I wouldn't change sitting on the second row piano side at Word of Life Tabernacle for anything. It impacted me to be the person I am today.

Now after Bible college, nursing school, and two master's degrees I can say that I have messed up enough to understand God's grace. I have read the works of true theologians from the beginning of Christianity through the past several centuries. I am currently reading the Works of Jonathon Edwards. He is an American theologian rooted in Reformed theology. It is his work that causes me to ponder both the grace and the glory of God tonight. In fact, His glory and grace are deep realities that cannot be seperated. It is the grace of God that strengthens God's glory. It is the nature of glory to bring good things out of bad, and transformation out of tragedy.

As I have shared bits of my story in this blog, in church services, men's conferences, seminaries, prisons, on radio, and with individuals the truth for me is this... God's grace is far reaching and goes into places of darkness where no other could ever go. The answer to guilt and shame... grace. Why? Because God's grace triumphs, trasnforms, and brings healing that ultimately causes His glory to shine bright. Where there is brightness there is light, and when there is light darkness flees.

Two truths I know... God loves you/me, and His grace is far reaching. That my friends is truth regardless of you sitting in a pew, or running from Him.

Check out these books:
The Works of Jonathan Edwards
http://www.amazon.com/works-Jonathan-Edwards-Tryon/dp/1174972300

Reflections On The Psalms by C.S. Lewis
http://www.amazon.com/Reflections-Psalms-Harvest-Book-Lewis/dp/015676248X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358045381&sr=1-1&keywords=reflections+on+the+psalms

The Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis
http://www.amazon.com/Weight-Glory-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060653205/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358045451&sr=1-1&keywords=the+weight+of+glory

Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

http://www.amazon.com/Mere-Christianity-Gift-C-Lewis/dp/0061350214/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358045516&sr=1-1&keywords=mere+christianity

Philia - Friendship as a Practice

I experienced my first Made To Be More Group this past Monday evening. The start of a journey with 6 other men that I have never met before. The goal for me in this group is to be known, intimately known, and to intimately know these men. For those of you that know me, you know that this is a challenge for me. It is much easier for me to accept unconditionally the story of another, and walk with them through their journey of health and healing. Not so easy for me to accept men walking alongside of me in the process of friendship, health and healing. Monday evening we discussed styles of relating, and the tension between self-protection and God's call to spiritual friendship. As a victim of child sexual abuse, this is a particular challenge for me. I am always in the mode of self protection when it comes to relationships. As I have grown and matured, I have been able to mask that more than when I was younger. I have also been able to open myself up and let a few people into my life. 

It has been almost 6 years since I connected with a group of men on Thursday evenings. We have met almost weekly since April of 2007. At that time I joined a group of men with similar, yet very different stories. They have cared for me, and I for them, through good and bad; we have celebrated life together. I have trusted them, and they have trusted me. It is because of them I started to experience philia, or brotherly love. I allowed myself to be intimately and spiritually known by these men, and they have allowed the same of me toward them. These men are my brothers. My life is better for knowing them.

Over the past couple of months I have learned that one of my friends will most likely be moving with his family to Haiti sometime this year. Another announced this week that he will be moving to North Carolina. I am excited for both of these men, and I look forward to sharing and being part of their stories for years to come. My brothers that remain here will be sad for them to go, but we will rejoice for them in their future endeavors. What I have learned about philia love is that it is not some thing that can be easily separated. You see philia is a love that is chosen. It is something that doesn't just happen. It is work and requires practice. It is a practice for which I have not always been good, because to practice friendship means that you have to be real and vulnerable with others. To be a friend, and be friended, one must let down the wall of self-protection, trust others, and put yourself at risk to be hurt.

Finally, some that are reading this may be wondering what the difference is with the new group that I am attending. Well, it's structured differently, more of a class with targeted learning, goals and time limits. When I became a part of my band of brothers, I knew the similarities in our stories being brought to the table. I do not know what if any, similarities, that I share with the men in the Made To Be More Group. This, if I allow it, brings a sense of shame that can hamper the potential relationships within the new group. It causes anxiety, apprehension, and feelings of ambivalence. My ability to stay focused and build relationships with these men will be determined by my ability to prevail over guilt, shame and ultimately ambivalence. Why? Because friendships is the most deliberate of relationships, and it takes work.

New Year... Same challenges, but treated different.

It is January 5, 2013, and I am wondering where time has gone. A friend of mine posted a picture from Back to the Future showing that yesterday, January 4, 2013 was the day Marty McFly arrived in the future. When that movie came out in 1985, I was 12 years old. I remember thinking that 2013 seemed like forever, and that I may not ever see it. After all in the world of the Pentecostal and Charismatic movement, Jesus was prophesied to return almost every year. Back then I was adamant that it would have happened by now. The reality is I wonder if it will ever happen at all. Don't judge, this is my blog... If your not interested in my thoughts, don't read it. :)

I contemplate my life at the start of each new year. While this is common for many of us here in the United States, I often wonder if that is just because of our position in life. Are adults in Haiti thinking about their past and how it has shaped their future? Or are they merely focused on survival from one day to the next? My guess is that they are not sitting in a climate controlled environment with tons of food, running water and a computer thinking about the good, bad, and in between of their life because it is now 2013.

Resolutions... I do not make them. I do however set goals that will help me improve both my life and those people that share my life. The primary goal for me this year is to be present and aware of the here and now. Not to forget about the past, and not to focus solely on the future... I want to be present in everyday life. I have already failed in the first few days of 2013. I have been in conversations where I have been distracted; my attention not focused on the person with whom I was speaking. Today during my daughter's basketball game, I was distracted by my phone when I should have been watching her. There are many of us that do not fully understand how to be mindful and present. One thing I know for sure is that most successful people are better at this than most, and I know that I am capable. If someone is important, I have no problem giving them my undivided attention. My boss, a physician, a patient or their family in the hospital... I have the ability to give them my undivided attention. So if I truly value you as a person, should I not be able to do the same for you? What about valuing me as a person? I should be able to be aware of the present/here and now when I am alone. I'm not talking about some religious experience, I am talking about being mindful of my surroundings, emotions, thoughts, needs, desires, wants, etc. Examples of this include any daily activity that can be set to autopilot and done. For instance, driving to work or anywhere that is routine. How often do you arrive at your destination without knowing what went on during the journey? Try to focus on the sights, sounds, smells etc. of your environment. One thing I did recently is drove home from work with the windows down and the sun roof open. It was about 51 degrees, and a little nippy out, but it changed the routine. I focused on more than just getting from point A to point B.

The past is important, and I have a lot to learn from it. It should not however, be controlling of my present. I have lived that way too often. This Monday, I am doing something to help me move away from the past. I am apprehensive about doing this, but I am going to participate in a group Wounded Heart group. This is a group for adult victims of childhood sexual abuse. This is an issues I have dealt with for years. Lots of therapy, reading more books than I care to name, and ultimately healing slowly. Wounded Heart is a book by Dr Dan Allender. To date, I have been unable to read the book by myself, but over the next 29 weeks I will walk through this book with several other men that have lived similar circumstances. The group of course is confidential, but I will be sharing some of my thoughts about the book and information that is covered here in my blog. How it impacts me etc.

Interestingly, I have shared my story more than I care to mention. I have spoke groups of 10 to numbers in the thousands. In fact, I am sure there are audio recordings of my story out there someplace on the world wide web. The challenge is I have not always been present during the sharing of my story. It have been done on autopilot, often not sharing the emotion or reality of the subject. Over the next 29 weeks I plan on being present in my story. I am not sure how that will look, feel, or what it will accomplish, but I know it will move me forward. Ultimately, I hope I can help the others in my group be present and aware during the sharing of their story.

Through It All...

Tonight I have been playing catch up on the laundry, and thinking about my story. Later this month I will be sharing my story at the prison in St Joseph, Missouri. This visit is part of my work with the Power of Purity. With thoughts of my story flying through my head I am watching Sunday Best on BET. It's like American Idol for Gospel music. The theme tonight is a Tribute to Andrae Crouch. I have been blessed so very much by his music throughout the years. At one point the song "Through It All" was being performed. It brought tears to my eyes. The message is so very real to me. You see, I feel like being a Christian can seem so very negative to those who are not believers. Why wouldn't it... Christians often come off as self-righteous.; especially those in the U.S. church. They pick and choose sins to speak out about, and the ones to keep dirty little secrets of the church. The overweight pastor will speak about sexual sin, but never address gluttony. The pastor addicted to porn will not address it or share his story other men. He hides in his shame, and chooses to strike out at other sins. Now before everyone tells me that it is not every pastor and every believer… I get that. It is unfortunate that it is usually the most vocal ones. Why oh why would someone want to be a Christian? The answer for me... is the true message of the Gospel. Love thy neighbor as thyself, and do unto others as you would have them do unto you. You see I am a sinner, and that will not change this side of heaven. And it is not a surprise to God. I have sinned against others, and they against me. The abuse in my childhood was not sin for me, but I was affected by the sin of another. That impacted me in ways that I can never get back. I loved Tyler Perry’s statement on Oprah (I know, some of my Christian friends are cringing at the mention of their names.), it was something like… that man (that abused me) put something on me that was not mine to carry. For those of you who are sinless, you will not understand what it means to receive the amazing grace of God. I have decided that I will stop killing myself to be the perfect Christian. There is only on Christ, and while I joke about my perfection... I know it is not true. Through it all I have learned to trust in Jesus. I have learned to trust in God.


Through It All
Songwriters: BROWN, GARY VICTOR / HARVEY, STEVE

I've had many tears and sorrows
I've had questions for tomorrow
There've been times I didn't know right from wrong
But in every situation
God gave blessed consolation
That my trials only come to make me strong

I've been a lot of places
And I've seen so many faces
But there've been times I've felt so all alone
But in that lonely hour
In that precious, lonely hour
Jesus let me know I was His own

Through it all
Through it all
I've learned to trust in Jesus
I've learned to trust in God
Through it all
Through it all
I've learned to depend upon His Word

So I thank God for the mountains
And I thank Him for the valleys
I thank Him for the storms He's brought me through
Cause if I never had a problem
I wouldn't know that He could solve them
I wouldn't know what faith in His Word could do

Through it all
Through it all
I've learned to trust in Jesus
I've learned to trust in God
Through it all
Through it all

I've learned to depend upon His Word
Yes, I've learned to depend upon His Word
I've learned to depend upon His Word