There is no innovation and creativity without failure.

Last week I heard Brene Brown say on Super Soul Sunday, "Unused creativity is not benign, it metastasizes into grief, rage, judgement, sorrow, and shame." That statement hit me right between the eyes. I felt like I was in an old cartoon lying on the ground with literal stars swirling around my head. In context she was speaking about her research, and that people who live wholeheartedly do creativity. For some of us that creativity is expressed in our job, for others in our family, or in the arts or hobbies of some sort. For my I relate to those feelings and emotions when I am not creative. When I am not doing something meaningful and on purpose.

What is Creativity?
/ˌkrieɪˈtɪvɪti, ˌkriə-/ Show S

1. The state or quality of being creative.

2. The ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, patterns, relationships, or the like, and to create meaningful new ideas, forms, methods, interpretations, etc.; originality, progressiveness, or imagination: the need for creativity in modern industry; creativity in the performing arts. 

3. The process by which one utilizes creative ability: Extensive reading stimulated his creativity.

 

For me creativity use to be acting or singing. It was leading worship in church, running youth groups, or teaching/preaching. It was caring for a patient at the bedside and doing impromptu work a rounds that provided the care the patient needed when there was no traditional way to meet the true needs of the patient. It was about sharing my gifts and talents for a higher purpose, knowing that what I was doing was meaningful to the world, or at least to someones world. It has been quite some time since I have have performed (sing/act), lectured/taught, preached or shared my story with a group. Each day I struggle with the thought that my time, talents and treasure are not being used in the most meaningful/purposeful way. Each day I have a strong desire to be consciously aware that I am bringing everything I've got to the table.

 

It is hard to feel creative in my current role as Director of Case Management. Maybe you just read that and wonder why I would need to be creative in that role... Case Management impacts every area of a health system. While I would love to say that we are the most important people there... :), the reality is we are one instrument in an orchestra. If we are off beat, flat, or miss our que for entrance in the piece, the whole concert goes bad. It is easy to get tied up in the mundane of the daily grind, to feel like your not having a positive impact on the purposes and goals of the organization. I know many of you reading this feel the same way about your job whatever that may be. Intillectually you know that you are fulfilling a purpose and are important to the goals of your organziation, but you just have not tapped into all of your gifts and talents to unleash your true creativity. And think about that... what if you went beyond what your doing now? What if you tapped into your true resources, gifts and talents to promote the common good of your company? "The only unique contributions that we will make in this world will be born of our creativity (Brown, 2010)."

 

On ward and up ward as I commit myself to living life wholeheartedly, and to give my full creative efforts to impact the world around me... my family and friends, employer and employees, and the customers that we serve every day.

 

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection.Center City, Minnesota: Hazelden.

 

 

Hi, My name is Bill, and I am perfectionist

Psychology Today describes a perfectionist's life as being an endless report card on accomplishments or looks. Brene Brown says, "Perfectionism is not about healthy striving, or striving for excellence. It is a cognitive behavioral process, a way of thinking and feeling. If I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect, live perfect... I can avoid or minimize shame, blame, and judgement." Perfectionism is the ultimate fear that the world will see you for who you are, and you won't measure up. Perfectionism protects us from being seen.

“I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God's business.”  ― Michael J. Fox

I use to take a great and deep pleasure in being a perfectionist. I laugh now at the times I used that as my biggest strength and worst weakness in a job interview. Let's face it, doing things perfectly is not all bad. But expecting perfection in a broken world sets up high and unobtainable goals. For years I exceeded all expectations. I worked full time, attended school, maintained a 4.0 grade point average, etc. and so on. It was in nursing school when I first allowed myself to experience failure. I was working full-time on the weekend (11pm to 7am Thursday night, and 3pm to 7am on Friday and Saturday nights), and going to school full time Monday through Thursday 8am to 4pm. During my final year of nursing school, I failed my first course... I got a B in my OB-GYN course. I know a B is not failure, but it was to me. I couldn't believe that I allowed myself to fail so miserably. What happened to me because of this failure? I graduated with honors and became a nurse. I learned a valuable lesson from this... I am human, and humans are not perfect. Perfection is what I strived for because I didn't want to be vulnerable and allow people to the real me. Would people like the imperfect Bill? How could I ever maintain position in life if I have the capability to fail? It was at that moment when I realized that great things are accomplished out of failure.

Earlier I said that I am a recovering perfectionist. What does that mean? I strive for perfection, but know that it will never happen. I struggle with it everyday. What happens when I let someone down? What happens if I don't meet goals for projects or measurable outcomes at work? What if I let down a friend or family member? I could go on and on... Brene Brown says there is no innovation and creativity without failure. I know this to be true. While all will not understand, I am willing to try and fail versus not try at all. It is out of failure that I learn, grown and become who I am meant to be.

Once you accept the fact that you're not perfect, then you develop some confidence. ~Rosalynn Carter

Books by Brene Brown:

Daring Greatly

The Gifts of Imperfection

I Thought It Was Just Me

Can you bare the burden of my story?

It has been quite a while since I have posted a blog... I would like to lie and tell you that is because work has been busy. That would actually be true, but not the reason for not writing. I have a great ability to allow my excuses to be my limitations when it comes to self care. Since January, I have been on a new journey of self exploration, and that is taking me through some very difficult and deep places. I have been dealing with my junk since I was a teenager. I believe my first visit to a therapist was at the age of 15, at the time it was the thing to do. Since that time I have participated in therapy, hypnosis, prayer and deliverance ministries both as an employed minister and as a lay person seeking help for a tumultuous past. I was not expecting Pandora's Box to open, after all... I have dealt with this junk before.

 

 

One thing I have done well is share my story. I have done this with groups of few, and groups of thousands around the country. I have not done a good job at sharing with those around me. In part because of dealing with shame and vulnerability. I have dealt with the subject of shame for a long time, but it has been in my face since January. I have not been myself, but have been wearing what I call the Sunday mask. That's the game face you put on everyday so people believe your doing good. I have become a master at it most days. After all, I have a job to do and tasks to accomplish. Of course I need each of the things I do to be perfect in every way, but perfectionism is a topic I will cover in the next post...

 

Shame is one of the most primitive emotions that a person can experience. It is an intensely painful feeling that one is not worthy of love or belonging. As a victim of child sexual abuse, the physical/sexual acts are horrible, but the real issue that screws up the victim is shame. The thoughts, feelings and emotions that are part of shame thrive in secrecy, silence and judgement. When it sits in your head, it remains so much worse that it really is. As Brene Brown says, "It grows exponentially." She goes on to say that shame cannot survive in the presence of empathy. How a person deals with shame is dependent on him/her buying into the idea that they are alone and unable to share it with others. The challenge, who to share it with? Who can you trust with your story? It is far easier to share it with a group of strangers that you may or may not see again. The questions... who has earned the right to hear your story? Who can be trust on a personal level? And, who can bare the burden/weight of the story? Personally, it may not be that I dom't trust you with the story, but I don't feel that I can add that to your plate. Although this can become a symptom of shame when someone doesn't want to share their story because they know that you have your own issue. In a group setting this can lead to rank order or comparative suffering. I don't want to share my story of abuse because, man #1 has a son going through addiction, or woman #2 is going through a divorce from an abusive man... etc. If someone chooses to share their story with you, know that the shame is real. Bare the burden by empathizing, keeping it real and support the person by walking through it with them to the best of your ability. If you're not able to do that, let them know by being real and honest. Show you care by saying that you don't know how to respond. It is OK...

 

I am fortunate that I have some good guys that walk through the deep of this with me, and I with them. So tomorrow I will put on my Sunday mask and prepare to walk through another week. Why? Because I have a job to do, family and friends to attend to, and I am not at a place where I can walk leaning fully into vulnerability. I will get there. If your in the same boat you will get there too. Don't let shame hamper your life... Live life to the fullest and to the best of your ability every day.  

 

Check out Brene Brown's website.