I experienced my first Made To Be More Group this past Monday evening. The start of a journey with 6 other men that I have never met before. The goal for me in this group is to be known, intimately known, and to intimately know these men. For those of you that know me, you know that this is a challenge for me. It is much easier for me to accept unconditionally the story of another, and walk with them through their journey of health and healing. Not so easy for me to accept men walking alongside of me in the process of friendship, health and healing. Monday evening we discussed styles of relating, and the tension between self-protection and God's call to spiritual friendship. As a victim of child sexual abuse, this is a particular challenge for me. I am always in the mode of self protection when it comes to relationships. As I have grown and matured, I have been able to mask that more than when I was younger. I have also been able to open myself up and let a few people into my life.
It has been almost 6 years since I connected with a group of men on Thursday evenings. We have met almost weekly since April of 2007. At that time I joined a group of men with similar, yet very different stories. They have cared for me, and I for them, through good and bad; we have celebrated life together. I have trusted them, and they have trusted me. It is because of them I started to experience philia, or brotherly love. I allowed myself to be intimately and spiritually known by these men, and they have allowed the same of me toward them. These men are my brothers. My life is better for knowing them.
Over the past couple of months I have learned that one of my friends will most likely be moving with his family to Haiti sometime this year. Another announced this week that he will be moving to North Carolina. I am excited for both of these men, and I look forward to sharing and being part of their stories for years to come. My brothers that remain here will be sad for them to go, but we will rejoice for them in their future endeavors. What I have learned about philia love is that it is not some thing that can be easily separated. You see philia is a love that is chosen. It is something that doesn't just happen. It is work and requires practice. It is a practice for which I have not always been good, because to practice friendship means that you have to be real and vulnerable with others. To be a friend, and be friended, one must let down the wall of self-protection, trust others, and put yourself at risk to be hurt.
Finally, some that are reading this may be wondering what the difference is with the new group that I am attending. Well, it's structured differently, more of a class with targeted learning, goals and time limits. When I became a part of my band of brothers, I knew the similarities in our stories being brought to the table. I do not know what if any, similarities, that I share with the men in the Made To Be More Group. This, if I allow it, brings a sense of shame that can hamper the potential relationships within the new group. It causes anxiety, apprehension, and feelings of ambivalence. My ability to stay focused and build relationships with these men will be determined by my ability to prevail over guilt, shame and ultimately ambivalence. Why? Because friendships is the most deliberate of relationships, and it takes work.
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