Hi, My name is Bill, and I am perfectionist

Psychology Today describes a perfectionist's life as being an endless report card on accomplishments or looks. Brene Brown says, "Perfectionism is not about healthy striving, or striving for excellence. It is a cognitive behavioral process, a way of thinking and feeling. If I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect, live perfect... I can avoid or minimize shame, blame, and judgement." Perfectionism is the ultimate fear that the world will see you for who you are, and you won't measure up. Perfectionism protects us from being seen.

“I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God's business.”  ― Michael J. Fox

I use to take a great and deep pleasure in being a perfectionist. I laugh now at the times I used that as my biggest strength and worst weakness in a job interview. Let's face it, doing things perfectly is not all bad. But expecting perfection in a broken world sets up high and unobtainable goals. For years I exceeded all expectations. I worked full time, attended school, maintained a 4.0 grade point average, etc. and so on. It was in nursing school when I first allowed myself to experience failure. I was working full-time on the weekend (11pm to 7am Thursday night, and 3pm to 7am on Friday and Saturday nights), and going to school full time Monday through Thursday 8am to 4pm. During my final year of nursing school, I failed my first course... I got a B in my OB-GYN course. I know a B is not failure, but it was to me. I couldn't believe that I allowed myself to fail so miserably. What happened to me because of this failure? I graduated with honors and became a nurse. I learned a valuable lesson from this... I am human, and humans are not perfect. Perfection is what I strived for because I didn't want to be vulnerable and allow people to the real me. Would people like the imperfect Bill? How could I ever maintain position in life if I have the capability to fail? It was at that moment when I realized that great things are accomplished out of failure.

Earlier I said that I am a recovering perfectionist. What does that mean? I strive for perfection, but know that it will never happen. I struggle with it everyday. What happens when I let someone down? What happens if I don't meet goals for projects or measurable outcomes at work? What if I let down a friend or family member? I could go on and on... Brene Brown says there is no innovation and creativity without failure. I know this to be true. While all will not understand, I am willing to try and fail versus not try at all. It is out of failure that I learn, grown and become who I am meant to be.

Once you accept the fact that you're not perfect, then you develop some confidence. ~Rosalynn Carter

Books by Brene Brown:

Daring Greatly

The Gifts of Imperfection

I Thought It Was Just Me