It has been quite a while since I have posted a blog... I would like to lie and tell you that is because work has been busy. That would actually be true, but not the reason for not writing. I have a great ability to allow my excuses to be my limitations when it comes to self care. Since January, I have been on a new journey of self exploration, and that is taking me through some very difficult and deep places. I have been dealing with my junk since I was a teenager. I believe my first visit to a therapist was at the age of 15, at the time it was the thing to do. Since that time I have participated in therapy, hypnosis, prayer and deliverance ministries both as an employed minister and as a lay person seeking help for a tumultuous past. I was not expecting Pandora's Box to open, after all... I have dealt with this junk before.
One thing I have done well is share my story. I have done this with groups of few, and groups of thousands around the country. I have not done a good job at sharing with those around me. In part because of dealing with shame and vulnerability. I have dealt with the subject of shame for a long time, but it has been in my face since January. I have not been myself, but have been wearing what I call the Sunday mask. That's the game face you put on everyday so people believe your doing good. I have become a master at it most days. After all, I have a job to do and tasks to accomplish. Of course I need each of the things I do to be perfect in every way, but perfectionism is a topic I will cover in the next post...
Shame is one of the most primitive emotions that a person can experience. It is an intensely painful feeling that one is not worthy of love or belonging. As a victim of child sexual abuse, the physical/sexual acts are horrible, but the real issue that screws up the victim is shame. The thoughts, feelings and emotions that are part of shame thrive in secrecy, silence and judgement. When it sits in your head, it remains so much worse that it really is. As Brene Brown says, "It grows exponentially." She goes on to say that shame cannot survive in the presence of empathy. How a person deals with shame is dependent on him/her buying into the idea that they are alone and unable to share it with others. The challenge, who to share it with? Who can you trust with your story? It is far easier to share it with a group of strangers that you may or may not see again. The questions... who has earned the right to hear your story? Who can be trust on a personal level? And, who can bare the burden/weight of the story? Personally, it may not be that I dom't trust you with the story, but I don't feel that I can add that to your plate. Although this can become a symptom of shame when someone doesn't want to share their story because they know that you have your own issue. In a group setting this can lead to rank order or comparative suffering. I don't want to share my story of abuse because, man #1 has a son going through addiction, or woman #2 is going through a divorce from an abusive man... etc. If someone chooses to share their story with you, know that the shame is real. Bare the burden by empathizing, keeping it real and support the person by walking through it with them to the best of your ability. If you're not able to do that, let them know by being real and honest. Show you care by saying that you don't know how to respond. It is OK...
I am fortunate that I have some good guys that walk through the deep of this with me, and I with them. So tomorrow I will put on my Sunday mask and prepare to walk through another week. Why? Because I have a job to do, family and friends to attend to, and I am not at a place where I can walk leaning fully into vulnerability. I will get there. If your in the same boat you will get there too. Don't let shame hamper your life... Live life to the fullest and to the best of your ability every day.
Check out Brene Brown's website.
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